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Work Out Guide For Dummies

2006-03-28 13:44:18    |    Back    |    Blog

While spending several years at the gym I've been observing the people who are there to work out and managed to profile them in to six different categories:

The panic guy
He's a guy in his fifties who's either been told by his doctor to shape up or he has suddenly realized that he can't see his dick anymore. This leads to him starting an exercising program that is three times harder than what his body can take. As a result of this he walks around with a sweat soaked shirt that is so tight that his enormous beer gut makes him look pregnant. It's one of those sights that are so morbid that you can't help yourself. You just have to watch, unable to look away. I'll never understand how someone can have such a huge stomach and still have no fat on the sides or over their thighs. In addition he will be wearing bicycle shorts! Of all the disgusting pieces of clothing that are invented, this is by far the worst of them. I don't think I'll need to go in to detail about all the details that are showing when you wear them…

But the surest sign that this is a panic guy in his fifties is the fact that he will be wearing a headband. Despite a decreasing hairline, he will be wearing the headband proudly as if he really had hair, and as if his sweat stained head wasn't shining like a polished bowling ball. He is completely oblivious to the fact that no one who survived past 1985 has thought of headbands as a being a good idea.

The steroid guy
This guy walks around in a singlet two sizes too small so that he is sure that his muscles will be showing. He will gather around with likeminded individuals and have big discussions about protein shakes, what to eat and what not to eat, girls and excuses about why they can't lift as much today as he usually does. While he's lifting incredibly heavy weights, he will be moaning, crying and wailing as if he was the only one there, and in between sips of water he will be farting and burping before he sticks his head out of the window to blow snot towards the ground four stories below. Between sets he will be shouting to his friends at the other side of the room as if he was home in his own living room. Come to think of it, for some of those guys, the weight lifting room probably is their living room.

The steroid guy's body shape looks completely unnatural. Usually his neck and shoulders will have no clear line that separates them, and his chest will be slightly bigger than the panic guy's beer gut. He will have also have so much muscle around his waistline that he actually looks fat but he will still think he looks great. Combined with aforementioned behavior and the three or four bananas he will consume during his training session, the animal zoo association is so obvious that it's eerie.

The running guy
Of all the various groups hanging around in the gym, this is probably the most disgusting. It's not the sickly thin bodies, a result from all the running, that makes them disgusting, nor is it the fact that they will sweat five liters just by warming up or that they're likely to be keeping a conversation going with the guy on the thread mill next to them while running so fast that in order to be heard they have to shout and thereby share their conversation with the entire gym. The disgusting part is when they walk around in a dirty singlet that haven't been washed since their last half marathon and the fact they're wearing a pair of shorts that are so miniscule that an English soccer player from the 70s would have been green with envy. After running for an hour on a thread mill they will, while sweating rivers, walk over to a rowing machine, put their knees up to their chin and start rowing. Back and forth… back and forth… with those miniscule shorts on… I'll spare you the details and just give you a hint: Jingle Bells! And when they afterwards use the apparatus you're next in line for, you're not sure if you want to hurl or call out for a bottle of disinfection liquid as we all know where the sweat covering the seat comes from.

Have these people absolutely no social antennas? These are the same people that two minutes before a marathon will be standing around in broad daylight urinating right in front of everyone. So maybe then it's not such a long step for them to be wearing Johnny Weismuller shorts…

The sewing circle lady
This woman is at least forty years old and will never ever come to the gym alone. There will be at least three of them lined up on machines next to each other, all of them dolled up and perfumed, talking without end while effortlessly doing the exercise the machine is designed for. “Blah blah blah… and he never ever does anything in the house… blah blah blah… did you see her highness last Saturday…blah blah blah”

And of course, they will take long pauses between the sets so that they can occupy the machine for as long as possible. If you ask politely if you can please use it while they're chewing the fat, they will give you an indigenous look and tell you “No, I'm using it now! I'm almost done!” and then continue the conversation for another five minutes

The characterless person
This person will, regardless of sex, turn up on the 2nd of January because of some over optimistic new year's resolution about getting in shape and a futile hope of losing weight. They will look completely lost every time they walk up to a machine and will usually ask for assistance, then do the exercise wrong anyway. And if there's a machine they don't particularly like, they'll just skip it. After seeing them the next few Mondays, as they will only show up when the excess of the weekend gives them a bad conscience, they are pretty soon relegated to supporter membership, and you will never see them again.

Then there's me, a man with a slightly tendency to be a training junkie, who sort of envy the average person who's able to have a relaxed attitude towards training. At the same time I have a sneaky admiration for the steroid guys and wish that I could lift as much as them but still have a perfect V-shaped body. And I will also be wondering how women manage to smell like rose petals after an hour of intense work out while my own smell reminds me of something out of a dung heap.

Join me next time when I will be telling you why it's ok to kick the guy with the miniscule shorts in the groin and how you can kill someone and claim self-defense because of the music they play at the gym.



Great post, Elf. :D

I'm a characterless person myself ... But training is so boring! It's a chore and I'm always thinking I could be doing something I don't hate with my free hours after work ... So I do. :P

Posted by: Rocky Date: 2006-03-28 14:29:42



Posted by: Ronny Date: 2006-03-28 14:47:58


Rocky: Thanks. And each to his own and all that. :)

Posted by: Elf Date: 2006-03-28 15:20:29


It's not four categories, by the way. It's six, including you. Ah, well...

Posted by: Arne Date: 2006-03-29 00:33:55

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